Who’s the only person you control?

Over the years as a therapist, I have noticed themes will crop up some weeks. This week it was folks struggling with feeling anxious and out of control. My response: Do one thing that moves you into control of the situation. A lot of times the anxiety stems from not knowing the answer to something i.e. “did I hurt that person’s feelings?” “Am I doing a good job as an employee/partner/friend/.” My reminder to them is “Have a question? Ask a question.”

When we take control of our feelings and thoughts with an action, it puts us in the driver’s seat of our lives. In my first book, Stop Talking to Yourself and Start Listening chapter 2 is titled Own it. I address the idea that in order to be authentic and have a high sense of well being, you must “feel comfortable taking charge of your life.” In order to feel that, you must think you have the right to be in charge of your life. Depending on your life’s experiences, this will be hard for some people. If you grew up in a house where you didn’t have control over what you wore, thought, felt or did, anxiety is going to be high because being in the driver’s seat of your life does not feel comfortable. It feels rebellious or disrespectful or just downright scary. If you did have some control or a lot of control but made a few mistakes along the way, how those mistakes were perceived by those you respect and/or care about will influence how you feel about making decisions and potentially making a mistake.

I am running for political office. I am at the door to door meeting voters stage of the campaign with election day in a little over a month. I enjoy talking to people so it’s fun for the most part. One overarching theme to my campaign is “What do people want Warren county to be?” We are seen as primarily a tourism area. Is that what the residents want? Do they want more industry? Do they want more solutions to the high levels of addiction issues among our population? Do they want to be a part of the solution process? In order for that to happen, we have to have leaders who listen and respond. Everyone needs to be welcome at the table because the best decisions are produced when ALL viewpoints are represented. This doesn’t mean all 29,000 Queensbury residents need to be at the meetings. This means a representation of all residents need to be there or at least letting their voices be heard.

People thank me for running especially if they work in a field related to mental health. I’m running because we need more attention brought to the mental health crisis and solutions found. I’m a problem solver. It’s what I like to do. I also was raised to believe I have control over my life. From the church I wanted to attend, to whether I went to college or not and what major I choose, who I married or not, I was free to make those decisions. I also come from an extremely opinionated family. So my decisions were challenged for sure. Questioning someone’s decisions was not a sign of disrespect in my family. It was a sign of respect. It meant “I’m listening. I hear you. Have you thought of this?”

Like my book title says “Stop Talking to Yourself and Start Listening.” we also need to stop talking and instead really listen to each other. It’s harder to listen to someone else’s ideas when you don’t feel your thoughts have value. “Who’s the only person you control?” If you own your thoughts and give them value, it will be a whole lot easier to value someone else’s thought even when they differ from yours.